The tales of a disgruntled miss Independent

My friend is going through that phase where she is panicking about whether she will ever find the man of her dreams. I keep telling her “Girl, chill out, the sea is not empty yet”.

She recently went on a date with this new guy she is seeing, and now she knows what she wants in life, and I admire her so much for that.

Before she even goes on a date with a guy, she has to have conversated with him for a while and after the first date, if she is not feeling it, she is not the “Let’s see where it can go” type of girl. Maybe that’s why she is not married yet.

Anyway, I asked her, “How did this one go? Do you think he is the one?”, she stared into space and after a while replied, “Yea he might be, but he asked me if we should do Dutch”.

I also paused and stared into space, what does that mean, I thought.

“So, for the rest of the date, we ended up talking about doing Dutch and women becoming more independent.” So, “do Dutch”, basically means splitting the bill. This made me ponder about a statement I once read which said – “These days women are now becoming the men they once dreamt of marrying”.

Unfortunately, I can’t help but feel like that’s somewhat true. Why is it that many women don’t rely on men as much anymore, is it because we don’t need them, is it because they are not providing what we are seeking?

Is a man no longer a man if he can’t provide? Should women turn down their independence just to maintain the man’s ego?

Women are now becoming the men they once dreamt of marrying Click To Tweet

That’s a flat out, big NO for me. Women have been oppressed and have had their rights suppressed for a long time. Now that we have more privileges and equal opportunities, some men and women are slightly uncomfortable with our liberation. So much so that some women feel the need to hide their ambition.

There is something endearing about being humble, but there is a difference in taming yourself down because some people are uncomfortable with your star qualities.

You don’t win by playing small Click To Tweet

There are men out there who feel threatened if their woman is earning more than them and they feel like they are not enough. If a man feels threatened by your independence, then those are his insecurities he needs to work on, not yours.

You shouldn’t have to pretend to be less just to please him.

The independence of a woman can often destroy a man’s masculinity. There is absolutely nothing wrong in building together with your man, he makes his own money and you make your own too. There is also nothing wrong with sitting back and letting your man treat you and you doing the same for him.

As long as the woman is not putting down her man because she is richer or more powerful than him, a happy, balanced, healthy relationship can be boded.

These are just some of the things you suss out when you begin dating someone, are they comfortable with you being the bomb ass woman that you are, can they handle you, what does their ego say about you being this boss chick? It is as simple as asking your potential suitor those direct questions.

Society depicts that the man should be the main provider of a family. As women, we should allow the man to be who he is and who he is destined to be. Our life’s purpose does not take priority over his your opinions don’t matter more because you have more money or are more powerful than he is.

In relationships, you often have to compromise yourself and compromising is not betrayal. When you find yourself having to kill your true, authentic, hardworking, go-getter self, its yourself you’re betraying. You don’t have to kill who you are to please your counterpart.

Independent women are often deemed as high maintenance, sometimes greedy and their standards are too high. Well if you don’t set boundaries or standards you will settle for whatever is handed to you in life and you will never be fulfilled.

Having said all this not all men think the same. Sometimes men want more than just an independent successful woman with her own money. Hopefully, there is more to you than just your successes. What are your family values, what are you like as a person without all your accomplishments?

Are you really this well rounded independent successful woman in all areas of your life. It may not be your independence and success that’s putting men off you. It’s a matter of looking inwardly, are you really this gracious, strong Queen you say you are?

Standards only scare off people who are not willing to make an effort with you. Click To Tweet

We were all put on this earth for a different purpose and we each have a duty to fulfill our purposes before we die, whether we become richer or more powerful than our male counterpart and vice versa.

You never need to tone down your ambition. Some men will take pride in having a woman who works for her own because even an independent successful woman still has her vulnerabilities.

After all, she is human.


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Am I supposed to be sex-starved as a career woman?

I never believed that my job that I enjoy a lot could bring me to an unfulfilling sexual place Click To Tweet

I can undoubtedly say that I love my job a great deal and it has brought nothing else but joy and unspeakable gladness of heart —being blessed with such a wonderful career. I never thought I could get to a place in my life where I would wish for a different kind of life. I never believed that my job that I enjoy a lot could bring me to a place where I felt sex-starved.

Never knew I could get to a stage where I would wish or make fantasy about sex in my head. Fantasy is all I was reduced to having; it’s all I could do. I would compare my sexual libido to that of a hormonal teenager, and I am not mincing words. I am a woman blessed with great sexual desires, I had such an amazing sex life with my husband when I still had lighter work schedule. My sex life was great and always so electrifying until…

Until I got promoted at work and had more meetings to attend and deadlines to meet up with. At first, it was nice and satisfying. At the time, I didn’t know that I was waving a goodbye to my amazing sexual life. In the words of Billy Joel; “There’s nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex”.

tamar-braxton-aint-nobody-got-time gifPeanut butter and jelly sandwich was now so much better than my sex life; I didn’t want to admit that but it was true. I didn’t want to believe that my steaming exhilarating days are practically over. I didn’t want to believe that my successful career could have such a terrible impact on my sex life.

I knew I just had to do something, my sex life represents a huge part of who I am, and I can’t fake that! So, I couldn’t submit to defeat! No, instead I took some daring steps which helped me realize how I could enjoy an exciting sex life and still be a badass career woman.

I realized I could enjoy an exciting sex life and still be a badass career woman Click To Tweet

Quickie, not such a bad idea, right?

A quickie is a spontaneous act, though it’s quick, women believe that it can’t be extraordinary. You are wrong, you can make it all that you want it to be! Quickie sex is designed to bring a new whole dimension to your love life; you don’t have to hold back when you know there is no time, remember?

Just have it and be done with it, but don’t forget to make it fun. I say a quickie is way better than no sex at all. As a career woman, you don’t have to deceive yourself into believing that you can have frequent sex life. I don’t think that’s feasible, only if your work schedule is not as tight as I imagine it is. If it is, then you would want to do this instead of being sex-starved till eternity.

Let your body do the thinking for once

Planning your sex can go a long way in satisfying your sexual desires as you have always wanted with your partner. Look forward to an ecstatic day of your choice and make every second of the love making count. Don’t over think things, forget about that workload sitting at your desk, ignore that misunderstanding you have had with a colleague at work.

Just ease yourself into the sexual pleasure you are receiving and forget everything in your head. Your head isn’t supposed to be in the “work” place now, let your body do the thinking.

Run from it all

You don’t deserve to be this emotionally or sexually frustrated, however you want to call it. You deserve all the happiness in the world, do you know why? Because you are a strong, hard working and gorgeous Motherland Mogul, you literally deserve the best.

You don’t have to finish your work in a day; you can always finish it up tomorrow. Plan a weekend getaway with your partner if possible, pamper yourself with some invigorating romantic pleasures, your body deserves it.

running gifSex is a good thing; don’t you know God designed it to be beautiful and relaxing? So, why be unnecessarily sex-starved? Your body doesn’t deserve this. It’s high time you stopped blaming your career for ruining your sex life.

Take action today in liberating yourself from what may be a dysfunctional sexual life; I know you can do better than this!

Your boo, your woe

boo

You’ve heard it said that one of the most important career decisions you can make is the choice of a boo. Your bae could be a nightmare for your career goals, hence the need to choose wisely.

Unhealthy relationships can and will affect both your career and personal growth. As a matter of fact, it is an Achilles heel for some African career women. Yes, I just went there.

Get it right

From my point of view, everyone starts their day from the home front. And at the end of each work day, you also need to return there. That’s why it is important to be in the right place to avoid tales of woe.

We’ve all had that classmate or colleague who was such a bright star with the prospect of making the headlines someday. The person voted most likely to succeed that somehow lost track. The one that the rumour mill says stopped working because she was making more than her husband.

beyonce

It’s bad enough that societal pressures make the absence of a relationship seem life-threatening. However you should never be in a relationship that trivializes your dreams, goals or hustle.

Love actually matters

And hey, I’m not asking that you believe the narrative that love doesn’t matter. Of course, it does matter. A loving relationship is the best foundation for reaching new heights. The right boo is a great asset and we want our Motherland Moguls to ace life in all spheres.

 

Just imagine having a “global” vision and being unduly yoked with a partner with a “local” mindset? Even the Bible says, two cannot go together except they agree.

We need boo to support your hustle

It’s been said that if you stand for nothing, you would fall for anything. Therefore, it’s important to understand yourself: your persona, temperament, beliefs and goals. Knowing who you are and what you want out of life will help you navigate the relationship waters.

So your boo has money but belittles your dreams and talks down on you, what are you waiting for?

empire highlights emmys 2015 taraji p henson cookie lyon

On your entrepreneurial journey, there would be times of trials, tears, joys, victories and growth. You’ll need your ‘A team’ to be on point. A bae to encourage, motivate and cheer you on, not demean or be envious of you.

See what I mean?

You’ve got to hand it to the Obama’s, they give us awesome couple goals. They didn’t get here overnight but we have now seen a true picture of how a great relationship can make or mar your career.

With this in mind Motherland Moguls, next time you’re on operation seize the bae remember to, as we say in Nigeria, “shine your eyes”.

4 dating ideas for busy girls

dating ideas

Like it or not, it happens. You finally decide to do something about this awesome business idea or project, you get immersed in it, then you begin to get tired as this somehow takes over your life.

Suddenly, you look up and realize you have no significant other or anything close to it. You’ve been out of school for about a decade or so which means you’re in your late 20s or early 30s. So, you sort of forget how these things are done.

I know it’s not exactly science, but dating demands some effort. Putting in the grunt work now while you’re still young, is so worth it to find the ‘right’ one for the next phase of your life.

Here are my top four tips for dating as a busy single girl, whatever it is you do and no matter how old you are.

Ask for introductions

Ask your family and friends for referrals. Be downright shameless if you have to! These people know you better than anyone else and will help you meet suitable, pre-vetted people.

You know, like in the same way having someone pass along your resumé can help.

This is an effective way to expand your existing circle. Though there’s no guarantee that this would work but who knows, you might just end up with a new friend or gist buddy.

Be creative with the little time on your hands

No, really. Get innovative. It doesn’t have to be anything nerve-wracking but literally, get yourself out there. I’d say take this glorious moment of singlehood when your life isn’t jam-packed with commitments (except, of course, making truckloads of money).

You may even start giving off that irresistible vibe of a person with passion. You then become the more attractive to potential dates. If you’re an introvert like me, going out might be pretty difficult and I’d suggest doing only things that make you comfortable.

Free stock photo of lights, festival, party, dancing

These ideas prove that love doesn’t really cost a thing or much:
– Volunteering
– Free concerts
– Go to the movies
– Attend weddings…I know it’s cliché but still.
– Go out with friends
– Attend birthday parties

You never know where the right people might find you.

Online dating … don’t rule it out yet

It’s hard to deny the fact that online dating isn’t just the new normal —it also works. Of course, like all good things, relying on online dating has its downsides. So, I’d say be careful (you’re too smart to be scammed, girl).

Be sure to keep your expectations in check. Remember, even a bad date can be a good learning experience.

Invite the best. Cut off the wrong people

You’re already so busy and can’t afford the luxury of having the wrong person around you.

Don’t be one of those people who hang around, enduring disrespect, taking inconsistent calls or texts, hoping that one day this person will change.

 

54-Twitter-AGive yourself a little tough love and delete the wrong person(s) from your life. You don’t have to convince anyone of your worthiness. Trust yourself and let go of the insecurities and soon, you’ll know what to do and who is right for you.

Building networking relationships that last

I don’t remember ever feeling comfortable in networking situations and when I had to introduce myself to a group of strangers. 

But the thing is, these nerve-wracking conversations could lead to critical personal and professional opportunities. Think about it! You are probably where you are in your career or as an enlightened person due to communal effort. The contribution of those around us in our individual advancement cannot be downplayed.

Your network is your net worth…

And we’re always one or two persons away from getting what we need. All we have to do is reach out to people we know. Mildred Apenyo, an entrepreneur and the founder of FitcliqueAfrica, was able to secure space for her women’s only gym through her network, for example. One of the trainers she worked with connected her to a family that owns a hotel and they agreed to let her turn one of their conference rooms into a fitness space. This saved her a lot of time and the resources that would have gone into searching for a usable space throughout her city.

Whatever you do, don’t network just for the sake of it. Most of us are consumed with attending all the events out there and collecting as many business cards possible. Post ‘networking’ binge, we always find ourselves stuck in a rut, wondering if it was all even worth it. The key is to be deliberate about the events you attend. Show up ready to mingle. Once you get the contact information you need, don’t let it sit there gathering dust. Take action. Remember that networking is a process that requires on to be proactive.

What keeps us from taking action?

The fear of rejection

There’s always a chance that our attempts at fostering relationships will be rejected. It’s only natural for us to avoid instances where rejection is a possibility. The thing about life however, is that nothing is certain, so you might as well try. The worst that could happen is that they’ll say ‘no.’ But remember, with every ‘no’ you are one step closer to a YES!

Being stuck in our comfort zones

Networking takes time, effort, energy and resources – things that a lot of us unfortunately see as ‘doing too much.’ “They have my contact information, if they are interested they will reach out,” we say. “Why should I follow up with an email or a call?” we wonder. We think that just attending the event and putting in face time is enough. It is not, unfortunately. You have to nurture the relationships. Make initial contact, follow up with in-person meetings and grow from there.

Getting things done

As Martha C. White outlines in TIME, it’s increasingly becoming clear that for networking to work, we have to shift from the ‘What’s in it for me?’ mindset. It is imperative to understand that there is a mutual exchange in this process. Networking is not just about accumulating a list of contacts that you can reach out to when the need arises. It is more about building real relationships that involve active participation of give and take between both parties.

Depending on your situation, you need to first identify the people you would like to connect with. It could be someone you want to learn from professionally or an investor who you think might be interested in your business concept. Once the individual has been identified, the first step you take in approaching them could either seal the deal or break it. You might be tempted to bombard them with information about yourself or your potential business, but it is not about you. Remember?

Your first introduction should be about connecting with that person. Show them that you are genuinely interested in what they do and what they have to say. Create an atmosphere that compels them to talk about themselves. Ask thoughtful questions and actively listen to their responses. This will build a good rapport that will seamlessly lead to a conversation about you.

You have connected, what’s next?

At this point, there’s only one thing left. Follow up. Follow up. Follow up! The sooner you hit the ground running, the better. Business etiquette expert Jacqueline Whitmore asserts relationships take time to be built. In order for you to build a strong professional network, mastering the art of the follow up is necessary.

A quick email post the event will do. It doesn’t have to be long but it should contain the fundamentals. Begin by thanking the person for their time. If you had a very nice conversation about a particular topic, this could be the starting point to setting up the next meeting. Apart from that, it is also important to keep in mind a few details about the conversation you had. What were the other parties’ needs and how can you be involved in meeting those. Always seek out ways you can help your new contact without expecting anything in return. The level of trust will build over time if you do this.

7 reasons entrepreneurs should travel for leisure

picha stock she leads africa

Entrepreneurial travel typically consist of meetings, conferences, summits, pitch competitions and networking events. As such, entrepreneurs rarely experience the places they visit. Due to their busy schedules, they miss out on interacting with residents, immersing themselves in the local culture, and sightseeing.  

Last week, I returned to Chicago from my trip to Colombia. It was a rich and fruitful month of travel as I visited seven different cities.

From my experience, I have compiled seven reasons entrepreneurs should travel for leisure.

1. You learn more about yourself

When you visit a foreign place you are pushed out of your comfort zone. This is the best time for you to see your “true colors”. Your reaction to different cultural norms, unexpected tough situations, and interactions with fellow travellers will reveal traits you didn’t know you had.

As an entrepreneur, it is critical to know yourself. This self-awareness will allow you to recognize your strengths and weaknesses, your effect on others, as well as areas that you need to improve on.

2. It opens your mind

People tend to assume that they are experts in life because they have a wealth of social, academic and professional experiences. Once you are exposed to a different environment and culture, you realize how the knowledge you have is limited. Travel helps shift your perspective.

It becomes clear that your way of thinking is not necessarily the only one or the best out there. As an entrepreneur you need to be open-minded. That way you will be able to collaborate effectively with your team, investors and even clients in order to fulfill your vision.

3. It boosts your emotional intelligence

Travel gives you the opportunity to meet diverse individuals with incredible stories. It enables you to gain a better understanding of others and become more sensitive to happenings in the world.  

Being book smart is necessary, but many of us forget about the experiential importance of emotional intelligence. Entrepreneurs need that to be able to understand both their workers and clients. The knowledge from books can’t help you relate to others through compassion and empathy, for example.

4. It fosters relationships

If you don’t trap yourself in a resort for the whole trip, then you will make new friends in the area you are visiting. You will be able to learn from and share knowledge with each other.

Through these new friendships, you may potentially meet a future business partner, mentor or investor.

5. It spikes creativity

Being stuck in the same daily routine can stifle your creativity. You may have “entrepreneur’s block.”  

Blocks hurt productivity which is the opposite of what an entrepreneur needs. Traveling exposes you to new aspects of life that will refresh your mind and inspire your work.

6. It increases motivation

Being exposed to a different socio-economic environment is a great motivator. For example, experiencing life in a developed country shows you that the possibilities are endless.

On the other hand, visiting a less developed country may motivate you to use your work for the betterment of society.

7. It is relaxing

Travelling for leisure is relaxing. You get to step out of your bubble and see what’s really going on in the world. It gives you an opportunity to do what you want, when you want, and how you want to.

It gives you a break from the daily grind. Detoxing your mind in this way creates room for great ideas to flourish.

How to spot a swag assist

You want to be a boss. You dream of being the type of woman who is on her grind, building an empire and taking no prisoners. Chairman by M.I, I’m a Boss by Rick Ross, and Looku Looku by The Mavins are key songs in the playlist of your life.

There’s only one big problem – you think your partner might be a hater, #SwagDeflator – every #MotherlandMogul’s worst nightmare.
Nicki Minaj - Hell No GifOne of the most critical factors that will impact your professional and entrepreneurial growth is your significant other. Having a partner who supports you is a godsend  – their belief in your talents and dreams will have you thinking you’re Oprah 2.0 or the female Dangote-in-waiting. Having a partner who actively blocks your shine is the worst.

With this in mind, we, at She Leads Africa, have come up with a few tips to help you spot a partner who will support your #MotherlandMogul swag. They’ll be your very own Swag Assist.

1. Was his mum a hustler?

To start, you have to take it all the way to the beginning. Our families and childhoods have a huge influence on what we think our lives should look like when we become adults.

Licia Ronzulli - EU parliament member with baby

If a guy grew up with a mum who was always on her hustle, he’s more likely to see your hustle as normal and ordinary. Additionally, if his mum is a hustler herself, she’s more likely to tell him to chill if he starts complaining too much about your work schedule.

This isn’t to say that sons of stay-at-home mums will want you to do the same. But understand that it may take him some time to get used to your hustle.

2. How much gendered language does he use?

Any potential partner who uses words like “men’s work” or “women’s work” should raise red flags.

Jasmine and tiger from Aladdin

To be a #SwagAssist, a guy needs to have his own beliefs about gender norms not what society has told him. He needs to be comfortable sharing the work at home. For example, if you’re running late at the office, he should put the kids to bed.

If you have a big meeting the next day and don’t have time to cook dinner, he needs to be fine with that. If your man sees the world in one particular way and thinks that you need to stay in your lane, he’s probably not going to be the Barack to your Michelle.

3. How hard does he try to upgrade you and your business?

Beyoncé told the world she wants to upgrade her man, but you should also have someone who wants your business to reach the next level.

Beyonce and Jay Z dancing

There are plenty of guys who pay lip service to supporting their partners, but in reality they couldn’t care less. Does your partner think about how their personal and professional networks can help you grow? If they have special skills, do they use them to support you? For example, if he’s a banker has he offered to look at your numbers? A #SwagAssist will energetically try to support your professional aspirations.


Align your partner with your ambition.”

–Bola Adesola, MD Standard Chartered Nigeria


4. What does he say when you complain about the hustle?

We all have times when nothing seems to be working, and we just want to roll up into the fetal  position and give up.

Biggest loser - Jillian Michaels

Yes, we all want a partner who is occasionally going to baby us and tell us everything is going to be okay. Here’s the thing though, building a business isn’t child’s play and having a partner who is going to let you give up is not helpful if you’re really trying to be a #MotherlandMogul.

You need someone who cares about you so deeply that they’ll listen to you complain, but believes in you so much that they force you to get back up.

5. How does he react to your business success?

When you’ve just signed a big deal and you tell him, pay attention to his expressions and tone of his voice. Does he give you a weak smile, like kind Yetunde gave her boyfriend when he proposed with an ugly ring? Does he say congrats quickly and then get back to how bad the traffic was in Lekki? If the answer is yes, then you’ve got yourself a certified #SwagDeflator. A #SwagAssist will make it clear that you da real MVP.

LA Galaxy soccer player celebrating

He will give you Azonto, Shoki and the running man all at the same time. All of his social media followers will know that you just won. He’ll be so excited people will think he won the lottery. That’s the sort of partner you need walking with you on the journey to professional success.

Everyone knows that one of the easiest ways to lose a war is to start fighting on two fronts. Just ask any German commander circa early 1940s.

It takes a village to raise an entrepreneur – and guess what? Your husband, your bae, your partner, your number 1 is a critical member of that village.

We hope you find someone who cares about your professional happiness and success just as much as you do.

If you’re married and yourMaya Rudolph Saying No guy is a swag deflator, please don’t cite us in the divorce proceedings.

 

 

 

5 ways to upgrade your LinkedIn profile

Improve your LinkedIn profile in just one

Your LinkedIn profile is your introduction to the professional world. It is just as important as your resume/CV. However, the two are different. If your LinkedIn profile is an exact copy of your resume/CV then you are doing it wrong.

LinkedIn provides users with a platform where then can include more aspects in their profile than they can fit in a standard resume/CV. Use that to your advantage. Think of it as a marketing tool.

Remember that recruiters are now using LinkedIn to not only vet job applicants before an interview, but also to find and contact potential candidates.

Wondering how to upgrade your profile? Here are 5 ways you can do it:

1. Get a great headshot

Yes, it is necessary! No one wants to click on a profile without a picture. You want your profile to get the attention it deserves so upload a photo. Not just any photo either. That means no selfies, group photos or pictures of you turning up.

Put up a high-resolution picture of yourself without anything distracting in the background. Dress appropriately and smile. You want the picture to exude confidence and happiness.

Read more here: 3 Ways To Transform Your LinkedIn Profile From Crappy to Fabulous

2. Add a creative headline

The headline is one of the first things that people looking at your profile will see. It should grab their attention and compel them to read on. Think about your next career step.

Where do you see yourself? What kind of opportunities do you want to explore? Use this to inform how you craft your headline. Incorporate keywords and structure it in a way that it shows exactly who you want to be.

 Think of your LinkedIn headline as a condensed mission statement. 

3. Write a concise summary

A well-written summary will help recruiters and potential partners find you. Make it personal. Share your passion about the industry you are in or are looking to transition to.

What is your background? What have you achieved so far? What are your career goals? Use keywords and weave your responses into a career story that will give recruiters insight into who you are, and make them want to meet you.

Read more here: Three Steps To Writing The Perfect LinkedIn Summary

4. Add media

LinkedIn allows users to incorporate media to their experience section. It’s a great way for people to get a sense of what you have done.

Have a presentation, video, photo or document that you worked on? Upload it. Is your work online? Link to it. Add media that you are proud of and that showcases the range of your abilities.

Take advantage of the media add-ons on LinkedIn to SHOW people exactly what you are capable of.

5. Skills and endorsements

Be strategic about the skills that you list. Limit them to the ones you are most confident in and that you want to be known for.

Endorse your colleagues’ skills. Chances are they will do the same for you. Endorsements show that you have the skills and expertise that you say do.

Have you tried any of these tips? Were they helpful? Any others I didn’t mention? Go ahead and share them with me below.