The free labour trap: Stop being a “yasss queen”
Practising social distancing and working from home as a mother of a one-year old has meant I have to be intentional with taking the time to rest and making time to be present with my family. It has also allowed me to revisit some of the things which I’ve been meaning to do. You know, those things we hang on the ‘I will get to you when I have time’ shelf? Yup, things which we have been putting off for months now. With the increase in online activity filled with Microsoft Teams or Zoom meetings, it came as no surprise when every other day I would have a friend or an acquaintance texting me for feedback on their website or requesting tips for self-care regimens. It was always this or the other odd thing, which they have started taking on with all the free time we seem to have at our disposal. I don’t mind getting on a call so that you can pick my mind on an idea you would like to try out or give input on a concept you’re testing. I equally have no qualms about connecting or plugging you to a great resource base to make things happen for you. Where it gets a tad tricky is when I am asked to work on something and use my resources and expertise, without compensation. There is a super thin line between helping someone out because you’re homies and selling yourself short because of your ride or die ties. The issue with being a free labour ‘YAAAAAAS’ queen I am sure you’ve had acquaintances and colleagues asking you to proof-read their work and offer feedback on proposals or creative projects. Or friends who have asked you to work on their business plans or hustled you into a last-minute brainstorm sesh on their projects and because this is the sisterhood of the ‘each one help one’ mantra, we show up and shake it up. At what cost though, do we continue to tap dance to this thankless tune of free labour? If you’ve been here, you know that once you’re done, some don’t even have the inclination to acknowledge the time, expertise and resources that went into helping them. That is a post for another day entirely. This, however, is about how I have decided that my free labour has reached its quota. I am not available to perform these ad-hoc tasks unless I am getting paid for it. Sis, fatigue ain’t cute and I am not open to overextending myself any longer. Make ‘No’ your ultimate BFF We need to normalise handing out our rate card when asked to offer our expert advice or do work for friends and family. There is nothing wrong with this, we’re all trying to get our coins, Queens. Let’s not abuse each other’s generosity for self-gain, plus, it’s disrespectful. Not only will taking a stand on how you spend your time and allocate your resources ensure that you do not overextend yourself, but it will bring you peace of mind. A big part of self-care that we often overlook is knowing how to say no. No, is extremely liberating and it also makes sure that people do not take advantage of you. Join the SLA community! Get support from women like you. 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I want in! You’re officially a Motherland Mogul! You’ll get an email in a bit. I am not saying be selfish and not leverage off of each other’s knowledge and skills. These are the tenets on which sisterhood and community are built. We look out for each other and put one another on. What I am advocating for, is being self-FULL. Stop treating yourself like an afterthought, be intentional about prioritising yourself. Give yourself the respect which is due to you. 3 things to avoid going forward: Saying yes to a strategy and brainstorming session which will require research from you and will be resource-intense without compensation. Do not consult on a project or provide feedback for work that will be remunerated but you receive nothing. Say no to friends and family requests to do free work that you ordinarily get paid to do. Many won’t be happy with the decision I have taken to cut free labour. The beauty of this is that it isn’t about what people say, it is 100% about me. I will be happier for it; my relationships will be healthier as a result and my coins will stay popping. Surely, this is a good look! Remember that the work you do is important, and you are equally important. Want access to more resources and articles to get you ahead in your career? Visit SheLeadsAfrica.org!
Relationships Like Buses: A Motherland Mogul’s Op-Ed
If we all look out for ourselves in life and business, why don’t we do the same with romantic relationships? Relationships are like buses – In a world where women are expected to wait to be chosen, this is my candid take on why women need to put themselves first in romantic situations. Better to be alone than with someone Emotionally Unavailable. The first time I heard the phrase ‘emotionally unavailable’ was in my junior year of college. I met this boy during an internship and the moments leading up to us talking to each other were electric. Whenever he spoke, I felt every muscle in my body twitch and felt like I was walking on air. This boy was good looking, driven, but short. He captivated me in a way that I hadn’t been before especially with how he looked at me. He called me regal. Of course, I should know that I was, but my naïve mind sought this kind of validation. Although we claimed to really like each other, there were no labels. He said he didn’t believe in labels. “What does that do for anyone? You know I like you and you obviously like me beyond a reasonable doubt. Why do we need to prove this to anyone?”, he said. The problem was that I wanted more. I finally hit my breaking point and asked for more. He replied, “I’m emotionally unavailable”. If you ever hear this phrase, run! You need to love yourself enough to be alone rather than tag along with someone who explicitly tells you they don’t want you. You’ll be wasting significant time trying to get their attention and it will end in hot tears. Please, get a hobby instead. Know what you want and when to walk. The first time I heard ‘no labels’ was in my first almost relationship – a situationship that never sailed – thank goodness. The whole experience always felt uncomfortable because he never matched my energy. “But I told you where I stand already” is a very unique slap in the face I don’t wish on my worst enemy. The fact is love is not by force. No matter how much you love a person, you cannot force them to love you. ‘No labels‘ is a tricky trap because you can convince yourself it’s what you want. If you put your own interests first, you are able to objectively evaluate what you want out of any situation. If you are on the same page in a ‘no labels‘ situation, giddy-up. Just make sure that you’re ready to get off that ship when you need to. Love = Time = Money. Don’t waste it. If your first reaction to the phrase hopelessly devoted is – ‘that could never be me‘ – think again. Waiting around is not just for single people. You could very much be in a hopelessly devoted relationship. Boys are not bats and men are not from Mars – no one is. If you are waiting for someone to realize they are blind to treating you right, stop it! If other people are assessing whether you’re worthy of their love or friendship, so should you. You wouldn’t walk into a business deal without vetting your prospective partner. If you are this thorough in business, why not in love? Don’t make excuses to explain why the situation works for you when in reality it doesn’t. Choose yourself and guard your treasure chest. Love is time and time is money. If you have to Google it – ? Never have I ever – googled “what does it mean when someone says…” Here is a list of 5 things you need to google instead – Books every professional should read Blockchain Technology Exchange-Traded Funds (ETFs) Small steps to take to improve my health Strategies to grow my career We’re all headed somewhere, and we usually find people along the way who become a part of our journey. If you hitch a ride with someone that isn’t headed in the same direction, do you go to their destination and hope that someday they will be headed to yours? It’s the same with relationships. If we all think of all our relationships like they were buses, we would be more mindful of who we give our time, as well as their contribution to helping us become the people we want to be.
BREAKUPS AT WORK: MANAGE YOUR EMOTIONS AND STAY EFFECTIVE
Ever had to go to work after being dumped or signing your divorce papers. It sucks! You have no time to be in your feelings or listen to songs that help you cry because you still have to do your job. The worst part is that the world carries on as if your heart hasn’t just been broken! Since you can’t use up your sick days to nurse your broken heart, how do you resume work and stay focused? I’m Nike Folagbade, a life coach and therapist who has helped many broken hearts mend and even survived my own heartbreak. Here are some tips you can use to heal and not lose your job after a breakup: Don’t deny your pain This is the first place to start. Don’t try to drink, eat or curse away your pain. Accept that it has happened but you will get through it. This will help you to process the experience better. It is okay to cry, so hold a lot of tissue and excuse yourself to have private grieving moments. Change your perception This is not the time to wallow in past mistakes. Don’t dwell on blaming yourself or your ex. Focus on having a healthy outlook. If your ex is at fault, accept that you can’t change them. If you bear some of the responsibility, focus on forgiving yourself and moving on. Take your lessons and focus on building stronger relationships in the future. Stay in a circle of positive and funny people When you are in the office, pay attention to other colleagues who make you smile and help you forget your break up. Spend some time with them during your break time and laugh away your pain by getting involved. Find someone you feel safe with to talk to Silence never helped anyone. When you need to let things out, speak to a mature friend around you or over the phone. You can also connect quickly with a therapist online, prioritising your mental health is self love. If you are not ready to talk about it, let your manager know you are going through something personal. Watch something funny between your breaks It’s very tempting to immerse yourself in sadness after a breakup. However, continued misery will not give you the energy you need to be effective at work. Higher dopamine levels have been associated with happiness. Spend a few minutes in the office watching a funny skit on your phone. Laughing helps increase your dopamine levels which will boost your mood and energy for work Write down your thoughts Whether you keep a journal, use a notepad or app on your phone, write down your thoughts. Having an outlet for your emotions is an important part of healing that will help you quickly deal and keep you focused on reaching your goals. Ultimately, you have to believe that there’s a better future, give yourself some time to heal gradually. While you might feel that the hurt will last forever, it won’t. Focus on building a future that is brighter, get some rest and engage in activities that make you feel alive again.
HOW TO MANAGE DIFFICULT CLIENTS IN 2020.
With the decade is almost over, it’s the perfect time to check the relationships that are important to us. Whether you are an entrepreneur, side hustler or corporate climber, maintaining a good relationship with your clients is an important part of your success. Unfortunately, not all clients make it easy to build a positive relationship. How do you get that schmoney and manage difficult clients without losing your mind? Apply some Emotional Intelligence! Emotional Intelligence (EI) is the ability to understand other people’s emotions, empathize with them and respond to them appropriately. Here are 3 tips to help you manage tough clients using Emotional Intelligence: 1. Be self-aware The first step to empathizing with your difficult clients is evaluating yourself. Think about how you communicate with your clients – are you showing them that you care? If you are a manager or business owner, is your company encouraging a culture of empathy for clients? 2. Listen Intelligently Just like your personal relationships, listening is an important part of maintaining positive client relationships. Sometimes, clients are difficult because they don’t feel heard. Consider what your clients might want from you, even if they haven’t expressed it. Listen actively by noting pain points, asking follow up questions and keeping the lines of communication open. 3. Understand your clients’ personalities Clients are people too. When you manage people, it’s important to understand their temperaments. Cholerics tend to be logical and use focus on facts. Stay proactive and result-oriented with choleric clients. Melancholics pay attention close to details. You must your processes for efficiency with them. Phlegmatics can be indecisive. Be patient and helping them understand the information they need to make a decision. Sanguines tend to be carefree and impulsive, so you might consider keeping communication informal to keep their attention. Understand your clients, their personalities and deal with them appropriately. Which of these tips will you use to manage your difficult clients in 2020? Ready to SLAY 2020 in Johannesburg? Get your SLAY Festival tickets HERE.
Grow & Glow: How to find love again after numerous heartbreaks
I still remember one cold January a few years ago, the Harmattan was still yet to fade away after the Christmas and New year celebrations. Everything felt cold and life seemed to be at a stand-still. I couldn’t believe that my adorable relationship of two years was finally over. We had fallen in love and had promised to live happily together. We both used to exchange poems, love notes and surprises. We had the best relationship I have ever experienced. My friends envied us and no other person could understand the same way we felt. Ours was made in heaven and the stars kept shinning at our lovely hearts on a daily basis. There was nothing wrong with us except that I had just started adding some weight. Who wouldn’t? After spending 6 months in my mum’s supermarket during the ASUU(Academic Staff Union of Universities) strike. I didn’t think a little addition could reveal the true intent of our relationship. He loved my slim body and wasn’t ready to accept another. So after some days of deep thought on his side and a big push for me to join a gym, he decided that it was time to take a break. That landed in the wrong place for me. I wasn’t expecting it. Our love was divine, I mean. BTW, this looks like the only reason I can attach to the break up since there was no specific reason he mentioned. But anyway, his mind was made up and after fighting so hard to win us back for close to a year, I decided to accept my new fate and move on but it was hard. I cried for several nights. I wanted him to come back and give me a reason for the breakup but none came. I kept stalking him online to see if he was doing fine without me and yes, he was. I dreamt and imagined a lot but nothing changed. After a few months of tears and regrets, I decided to finally take some chill and give my brain a reset. So what are the steps I took to recover and start again? Let me share some with you and I hope it would make you start afresh again. [bctt tweet=”@NikeFolagbade shares some tips on how to grow and glow from past heartbreaks…Read more” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] Admit that it is truly over This was the hardest phase for me. I was living in self-denial for a long time. I truly loved him and never envisaged that we would break up. I had no alternatives or backup, I simply gave my all and now he was gone without a reason. So I had to start telling my mind daily that it was time to move on. I thought about him sometimes but I didn’t let it ruin my day again. I started taking charge of my thoughts by diverting my thoughts into something else. This took a lot of practice though and I failed many times but I kept rising up. Divert your time into other activities I have always loved writing so I decided to start penning down my daily experiences and life lessons. I call it journaling. I tried writing a new book that I ended up losing but at least, that got me productive. Get some alone time with God I spent time in prayers and study with God believing for the best for my future. I decided to trust God to pave a new way for me and He surely did. Go out more I became more social and open with friends instead of staying hidden and indoors. Try to hook up with new friends or stay connected with old friends and hang out together. Give back I started volunteering and giving myself more to service and project done by other people I considered as mentors. I used my skills and passion to serve. Reflect on the past I did a sober reflection on all that happened and evaluated how the relationship went so that I could pick my lessons, form new and better perspective and open up myself to new opportunities. Embrace personal development I began to work on myself by attending seminars, reading books and making research. No more regrets I stopped blaming myself or living in the past. I became positive and less critical of myself. Be willing not to remain stuck in the past. Get out there and allow yourself to experience love again. Now, these are just some of the things I did and you can pick from them but you should also do things based on your unique self. You may love drawing, painting, singing, acting or any other hobby that can keep you busy. There was so much I also did which helped me become more intentional when I finally met my husband. Though I shared most of my experiences in my book which has helped lots of singles too you can start with these tips above for a fresh start. So what phase are you currently in? Denial phase? Moving on phase? Or the recovery phase? Always remember that your experiences don’t define you, they only make you stronger and wiser. Don’t give up on yourself. It’s time to invest in yourself and upgrade your attraction level. Interested in contributing for She Leads Africa? Click here.
5 ways to become intentional about your love life this year
So what really happened in your love life cycle in the past year? Did you do a proper observation on what has worked or what needs adjustment? This write up would be useful to you if you are currently: Single (searching or not) In a relationship. Engaged In a situationship (what does that even mean?) I know that a lot of people like cutting off certain friends they consider toxic in the first quarter of the year, well, that is not the focus here. The focus is on YOU. If you are going to get any different result this year in your love life, it would start from doing something different this season. There are two sides of the coin, the positive or the negative or what worked and what didn’t work. [bctt tweet=”@NikeFolagbade shares 5 tips to help you build more intentional and healthy relationships this year.” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] Look into these 5 tips I’ll be sharing below, and seek ways to implement and change your love cycle. 1. Don’t start a relationship until you understand its purpose In this era where people are moved more by the butterflies in their tummy when they meet a person, it is easy to lose the essence of your season and flow with the tide. If you are one of those who judges a man first by his physical looks, you may miss the real meat when it comes along. So why do you want to date? Is it because your friends are all in a relationship or because you want to add value to another person? But how can you add value if you haven’t also recognized your value? A relationship is about two people who have great values to feed themselves, not one-sided but mutual. Even before you start a business partnership, you would have done a proper investigation into what you’re getting into. Lack of proper caution can lead you to a wrong contractual relationship. You need to understand the WHY, WHAT, AND WHO. So sit down, relax and answer the following questions: What kind of relationship/marriage do I really want not just need? What kind of woman do I need to become to create such a relationship? This could mean dealing with some inner battles like fear, insecurity or unrealistic expectations. What kind of man can fit into the values I want in my marriage? How would I know when I meet such a man? What patterns not words or actions (because this can be acted) would I see? 2. Work on yourself and seek to know YOU more One question I ask a lot of singles is if they know their values since a relationship is also about being with someone who shares deep values with you. Exposing yourself to personal development is the first way to expose your mind and make you become self-aware. Self-awareness leads to self-mastery hence how much do you know about yourself before growing (not falling) in love? Sometimes what you need is a friend who you can both grow together to achieve greater things, not just an intimate relationship. If you are trying to work on yourself, find like minds and smash goals together instead of seeking for a man that cannot mend your broken state. 3. Learn about what a healthy relationship really looks like If you’ve not been exposed to a healthy lifestyle especially if you grew up witnessing an unhealthy model of marriage, it may be difficult to adequately discern one. For instance, it is necessary for you to know your deal breakers, deal makers and resolve on how to handle it when you spot one in a potential partner. [bctt tweet=”Exposing yourself to personal development is the first way to expose your mind and make you become self-aware – @NikeFolagbade ” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] If you are not clear on this, you may start defending your partner when the red flags are up. How do you learn about how to build healthy relationships? Read more books from credible authors and go for training that increases your mental, spiritual and emotional capacity. Learn from people who have built great marriages and find out their ultimate secrets. You need to be able to differentiate between love and lust. Love is selfless, not selfish. Love is patient, not desperate in nature. Love is gentle, not harsh about decisions. Love pays attention to your needs and not force needs and goals on you. This is the time to also understand and create proper boundaries for yourself. The reason why it’s easier for some people to invade your heart and hurt you is that you haven’t recognized your boundaries and created a line around it. If you meet a new person and he starts to invade into your emotional boundaries, then you’ll know that something is wrong. For instance, if you meet a new guy who begins to blackmail you to prove your love or go to certain places when you suspect that something is fishy, you may not know how to say NO without feeling guilty because you think he owns a part of you. 4. Enjoy your life and explore Sometimes you may think you are missing out in life until you travel to new places or expose yourself to new kinds of people. Some ladies get married and discovered that they never had the time to explore the world or their own personal world. Learn a new language or skill if you want but make sure you spend your single years acquiring knowledge that your current freedom can permit. That doesn’t mean that marriage won’t allow you to explore but that will be a time where you need to balance your life well before starting new developments. 5. Be open up to new opportunities to make friends and build committed relationships Fear can limit you from trying again if you’ve been jilted in the past. Understand that life is a journey to learn and grow, be more open to solid friendships and
Eva Toby: How To Stay Empowered When You Feel Life Sucks!
Eva Toby is an Amazon Bestselling author, media personality and presenter. With a degree in psychology and Masters in Social Work from the University of Michigan, and an MBA, Eva is passionate about helping women and young adults bring clarity to their purpose. She is the creator of The Purpose Blueprint: 7 Easy Steps to Clarity. Eva has been featured in Genevieve Magazine, Afro Elle, Spice TV, LA Talk Radio, WHPR and more! Eva is 6ft tall and has modeled part-time for the past 10 years as a car model for Ford, General Motors and Chrysler, getting premier access to some of the fastest cars in the world. In this article, she talks about overcoming challenges and finding her purpose. On creating “The Purpose Factor” book… If someone had told me several years ago I would be a best-selling author and purpose pusher, I probably would have laughed. However, it’s always fascinating how God truly knows things way ahead and has greater purposeful plans for us even when it comes out of tragedy. I was led to create The Purpose Factor book after the sudden death of my dear cousin in 2014. With my emotions being all over the place from a state of shock, sadness, and confusion. I found it really hard to cope after experiencing such a significant loss. I remember one day picking up my bible to read for encouragement, and it was at that moment these notes had fallen out. The notes were actually from a message, two years prior, that I’d shared with a youth group at church about the significance of living life to the fullest and making your time here on earth count! [bctt tweet=”There is no growth in your comfort zone – @evatobyXE” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] Notably, I’d read my bible so many times prior to that and never realized I kept those notes tucked away in my bible binder. It just goes to show the significance of the timing. At that point, I remember this resurgence of passion and desire of sharing with the world the Power of Purpose. And I wanted to get the message across that each person on this earth is valued and has an assignment. I realized how life is so precious and fragile. And that ‘Time’ is not money but life! Hence, it is imperative that we maximize our time here in order to be of value and impactful. The Purpose Factor book was dedicated to my cousin who indeed lived life to fullest and impacted so many lives. On facing life challenges… The past few years have indeed been life changing and challenging to say the least. From the loss of my cousin, and then another cousin. And then, I lost my father in 2016. Experiencing such significant losses in a span of a few years has been indescribable. Couple that with trying to stay focused on building my brand/business, it was not easy. But one thing I learned through this process that keeps me going is that even in pain there is still a purpose. As painful as the process has been, I realized God still has me here for a reason and wants me to keep going. [bctt tweet=”I firmly believe that passion is for “yourself” while purpose is for “others” – @evatobyXE” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] Perhaps there may be someone out there that will hear my story and be encouraged to keep going despite the circumstances and challenges they are facing. I learned that in life we all have seasons, and every season has an expiry date. It is the endurance during those seasons that prepares and makes us stronger for the rest of our journey in life. 3 ways women can stay empowered… Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, broken relationships, loss of job, or personal struggles, rough times happen to everyone at some point in life. Trying to remain hopeful and positive through it all can be challenging. Especially when overshadowed with feelings of confusion and loss which begin to resonate so deeply. [bctt tweet=”Never curse the process! Your purpose is a product of the process – @evatobyXE” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] While you may feel like you are in a hopeless space it is essential to be reminded you are not. You are in a season of transition and need to remember there is a breakthrough on the other side of the breakdown. Below are 3 ways you can stay empowered when you feel life is taking its toll on you: 1. Acknowledge Your Feelings Almost everyone at some point has had that feeling of hopelessness and despair. The truth of the matter is that it is OK. We are all human and embracing your vulnerability is the first step to reclaiming your power. Remember acceptance is not a sign of weakness and by no means an indication that you don’t desire change. But rather than suppress those feelings, acknowledgment gives you the confidence to deal with them and start making a way for something new to emerge in your life. 2. Have An Attitude of Gratitude There is so much power when we cultivate an attitude of gratitude in our daily lives. Research studies have shown the positive impact on people who focus on gratitude. Gratitude facilitates increased self-esteem, optimism, happiness, improved mental health, progress towards goal achievement, increased energy and more. Therefore, it is important to start making gratitude a daily ritual. You can start by creating a gratitude journal for yourself. Each morning and/or evening tries to think of at least two things you are grateful for in that moment. 3. Look for Opportunities of Growth When life hits us hard, we are often led to start with “why me?” or “why is this happening?” It’s natural at first but if we dawdle in this space for too long, it can lead us further onto the pathway of self-pity. Hence the importance of changing the narrative from “why” to “what”. Start thinking about “what”
Must Watch Television Shows On Your Radar
You consider yourself an empowered and independent woman, yes? But what media are you consuming? Series can be argued to be more effective than movies. Given the generally shorter length of time and ability to watch more often and more accessible. This is your guide to a few television series that you need to make time for as soon as possible. [bctt tweet=”Thinking of what TV you should be watching? We’ve got a few recommendations for you…” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] Chewing Gum If you haven’t heard of Michaela Cole prior to reading this, you’re welcome. Your life is about to become dramatically more colorful and interesting. This show will have you laughing out loud, no doubt. It isn’t exactly new, as the second season was released in 2017. The third season is expected to go into production later this year so you have to catch up before that airs! This female-centric show follows Michaela Cole as the lead in her daily life with her religious mother and sister and her job as a check out girl. Things get interesting when she decides she is serious about losing her virginity and loosening those religious reins. Cole deals with sex and friendship in a relatable and humorous way. I found that as season one progressed, it just got better and richer as the characters developed. Cole’s sister on the show, Susie Wokoma, is an absolute treat in the second season. I won’t delve into too much detail about the specifics of her character development but it is so wonderfully worthwhile to watch. Mood? If you need a pick-me-up and want to laugh almost non-stop, then this is it. [bctt tweet=”Mood? If you need a pick-me-up and want to laugh almost non-stop, then watch this TV series” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] Good Girls Netflix can be quite lovely with the recommendations based on previous shows you have watched. This is how I was lucky enough to find this. I managed to finish the first season consisting of 10 episodes in 2 days because I was that blown away. The show is centered on 3 mothers – Christina Hendricks of Mad Men, Retta of Parks and Recreation (I love her!) and Mae Whitman of Parenthood. It introduces their characters as hardworking but struggling to support their families financially given their minimum wage jobs. As viewers, you understand quickly that they’re in trouble and something desperate is about to happen as their respective expenses start to skyrocket. What I loved about the show was how it managed to successfully combine humor and drama so effortlessly. You connect with these women immediately and emphasize with them. They are presented as strong and willing to do anything for their families. Their growth throughout the episodes is brilliant to witness as they take control of their situations while supporting and uplifting each other through tough circumstances. Mood? A darker comedy and more dramatic, to be watched when you are feeling a bit broody. Easy This breaks the trend of the female-centered shows I’ve recommended thus far, but it is worthy of inclusion in the list. This content covers – relationships, dating, and gender roles. What makes it interesting is that each episode follows different characters and issues, there will be some links between characters across episodes but the show isn’t continuous. So each episode almost feels like a mini-movie which is highly satisfying. Topics covered in the first season (there are two seasons out) include a stay at home dad and a working mom and the impact of this change in the stereotypical gender roles on their sex lives (at a dinner party that they attend it is discussed that couples who follow the stereotypical gender roles have more sex). The issues are current and the episodes unfold in a manner that makes you think about your own opinion and wants to discuss it. Mood? Watch with a company so you can evaluate your opinions together. Also, some famous bodies pop up – you can’t drool over Orlando Bloom as a personal trainer alone. If you’d like to get featured on our Facebook page, click here to share your story with us.
The tales of a disgruntled miss Independent
My friend is going through that phase where she is panicking about whether she will ever find the man of her dreams. I keep telling her “Girl, chill out, the sea is not empty yet”. She recently went on a date with this new guy she is seeing, and now she knows what she wants in life, and I admire her so much for that. Before she even goes on a date with a guy, she has to have conversated with him for a while and after the first date, if she is not feeling it, she is not the “Let’s see where it can go” type of girl. Maybe that’s why she is not married yet. Anyway, I asked her, “How did this one go? Do you think he is the one?”, she stared into space and after a while replied, “Yea he might be, but he asked me if we should do Dutch”. I also paused and stared into space, what does that mean, I thought. “So, for the rest of the date, we ended up talking about doing Dutch and women becoming more independent.” So, “do Dutch”, basically means splitting the bill. This made me ponder about a statement I once read which said – “These days women are now becoming the men they once dreamt of marrying”. Unfortunately, I can’t help but feel like that’s somewhat true. Why is it that many women don’t rely on men as much anymore, is it because we don’t need them, is it because they are not providing what we are seeking? Is a man no longer a man if he can’t provide? Should women turn down their independence just to maintain the man’s ego? [bctt tweet=”Women are now becoming the men they once dreamt of marrying” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] That’s a flat out, big NO for me. Women have been oppressed and have had their rights suppressed for a long time. Now that we have more privileges and equal opportunities, some men and women are slightly uncomfortable with our liberation. So much so that some women feel the need to hide their ambition. There is something endearing about being humble, but there is a difference in taming yourself down because some people are uncomfortable with your star qualities. [bctt tweet=”You don’t win by playing small” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] There are men out there who feel threatened if their woman is earning more than them and they feel like they are not enough. If a man feels threatened by your independence, then those are his insecurities he needs to work on, not yours. You shouldn’t have to pretend to be less just to please him. The independence of a woman can often destroy a man’s masculinity. There is absolutely nothing wrong in building together with your man, he makes his own money and you make your own too. There is also nothing wrong with sitting back and letting your man treat you and you doing the same for him. As long as the woman is not putting down her man because she is richer or more powerful than him, a happy, balanced, healthy relationship can be boded. These are just some of the things you suss out when you begin dating someone, are they comfortable with you being the bomb ass woman that you are, can they handle you, what does their ego say about you being this boss chick? It is as simple as asking your potential suitor those direct questions. Society depicts that the man should be the main provider of a family. As women, we should allow the man to be who he is and who he is destined to be. Our life’s purpose does not take priority over his your opinions don’t matter more because you have more money or are more powerful than he is. In relationships, you often have to compromise yourself and compromising is not betrayal. When you find yourself having to kill your true, authentic, hardworking, go-getter self, its yourself you’re betraying. You don’t have to kill who you are to please your counterpart. Independent women are often deemed as high maintenance, sometimes greedy and their standards are too high. Well if you don’t set boundaries or standards you will settle for whatever is handed to you in life and you will never be fulfilled. Having said all this not all men think the same. Sometimes men want more than just an independent successful woman with her own money. Hopefully, there is more to you than just your successes. What are your family values, what are you like as a person without all your accomplishments? Are you really this well rounded independent successful woman in all areas of your life. It may not be your independence and success that’s putting men off you. It’s a matter of looking inwardly, are you really this gracious, strong Queen you say you are? [bctt tweet=”Standards only scare off people who are not willing to make an effort with you.” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] We were all put on this earth for a different purpose and we each have a duty to fulfill our purposes before we die, whether we become richer or more powerful than our male counterpart and vice versa. You never need to tone down your ambition. Some men will take pride in having a woman who works for her own because even an independent successful woman still has her vulnerabilities. After all, she is human. Got an article you’d like to share with us? Share your story with us here.
Am I supposed to be sex-starved as a career woman?
[bctt tweet=”I never believed that my job that I enjoy a lot could bring me to an unfulfilling sexual place” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] I can undoubtedly say that I love my job a great deal and it has brought nothing else but joy and unspeakable gladness of heart —being blessed with such a wonderful career. I never thought I could get to a place in my life where I would wish for a different kind of life. I never believed that my job that I enjoy a lot could bring me to a place where I felt sex-starved. Never knew I could get to a stage where I would wish or make fantasy about sex in my head. Fantasy is all I was reduced to having; it’s all I could do. I would compare my sexual libido to that of a hormonal teenager, and I am not mincing words. I am a woman blessed with great sexual desires, I had such an amazing sex life with my husband when I still had lighter work schedule. My sex life was great and always so electrifying until… Until I got promoted at work and had more meetings to attend and deadlines to meet up with. At first, it was nice and satisfying. At the time, I didn’t know that I was waving a goodbye to my amazing sexual life. In the words of Billy Joel; “There’s nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex”. Peanut butter and jelly sandwich was now so much better than my sex life; I didn’t want to admit that but it was true. I didn’t want to believe that my steaming exhilarating days are practically over. I didn’t want to believe that my successful career could have such a terrible impact on my sex life. I knew I just had to do something, my sex life represents a huge part of who I am, and I can’t fake that! So, I couldn’t submit to defeat! No, instead I took some daring steps which helped me realize how I could enjoy an exciting sex life and still be a badass career woman. [bctt tweet=”I realized I could enjoy an exciting sex life and still be a badass career woman” username=”SheLeadsAfrica”] Quickie, not such a bad idea, right? A quickie is a spontaneous act, though it’s quick, women believe that it can’t be extraordinary. You are wrong, you can make it all that you want it to be! Quickie sex is designed to bring a new whole dimension to your love life; you don’t have to hold back when you know there is no time, remember? Just have it and be done with it, but don’t forget to make it fun. I say a quickie is way better than no sex at all. As a career woman, you don’t have to deceive yourself into believing that you can have frequent sex life. I don’t think that’s feasible, only if your work schedule is not as tight as I imagine it is. If it is, then you would want to do this instead of being sex-starved till eternity. Let your body do the thinking for once Planning your sex can go a long way in satisfying your sexual desires as you have always wanted with your partner. Look forward to an ecstatic day of your choice and make every second of the love making count. Don’t over think things, forget about that workload sitting at your desk, ignore that misunderstanding you have had with a colleague at work. Just ease yourself into the sexual pleasure you are receiving and forget everything in your head. Your head isn’t supposed to be in the “work” place now, let your body do the thinking. Run from it all You don’t deserve to be this emotionally or sexually frustrated, however you want to call it. You deserve all the happiness in the world, do you know why? Because you are a strong, hard working and gorgeous Motherland Mogul, you literally deserve the best. You don’t have to finish your work in a day; you can always finish it up tomorrow. Plan a weekend getaway with your partner if possible, pamper yourself with some invigorating romantic pleasures, your body deserves it. Sex is a good thing; don’t you know God designed it to be beautiful and relaxing? So, why be unnecessarily sex-starved? Your body doesn’t deserve this. It’s high time you stopped blaming your career for ruining your sex life. Take action today in liberating yourself from what may be a dysfunctional sexual life; I know you can do better than this!