Your boo, your woe
You’ve heard it said that one of the most important career decisions you can make is the choice of a boo. Your bae could be a nightmare for your career goals, hence the need to choose wisely. Unhealthy relationships can and will affect both your career and personal growth. As a matter of fact, it is an Achilles heel for some African career women. Yes, I just went there. Get it right From my point of view, everyone starts their day from the home front. And at the end of each work day, you also need to return there. That’s why it is important to be in the right place to avoid tales of woe. We’ve all had that classmate or colleague who was such a bright star with the prospect of making the headlines someday. The person voted most likely to succeed that somehow lost track. The one that the rumour mill says stopped working because she was making more than her husband. It’s bad enough that societal pressures make the absence of a relationship seem life-threatening. However you should never be in a relationship that trivializes your dreams, goals or hustle. Love actually matters And hey, I’m not asking that you believe the narrative that love doesn’t matter. Of course, it does matter. A loving relationship is the best foundation for reaching new heights. The right boo is a great asset and we want our Motherland Moguls to ace life in all spheres. Just imagine having a “global” vision and being unduly yoked with a partner with a “local” mindset? Even the Bible says, two cannot go together except they agree. We need boo to support your hustle It’s been said that if you stand for nothing, you would fall for anything. Therefore, it’s important to understand yourself: your persona, temperament, beliefs and goals. Knowing who you are and what you want out of life will help you navigate the relationship waters. So your boo has money but belittles your dreams and talks down on you, what are you waiting for? On your entrepreneurial journey, there would be times of trials, tears, joys, victories and growth. You’ll need your ‘A team’ to be on point. A bae to encourage, motivate and cheer you on, not demean or be envious of you. See what I mean? You’ve got to hand it to the Obama’s, they give us awesome couple goals. They didn’t get here overnight but we have now seen a true picture of how a great relationship can make or mar your career. With this in mind Motherland Moguls, next time you’re on operation seize the bae remember to, as we say in Nigeria, “shine your eyes”.
4 helpful tips from Angela Ochello in ‘The Governor’
There’s just something incredibly beautiful about undertakings that require us to literally break our own glass ceiling. So many women are told to forget about venturing into active politics. And the appeal of this sector, especially in Africa has been generally zilch. At least this can be spiced up in our imaginations. EbonyLife TV’s series The Governor follows the ups and downs of Angela Ochello the Governor of Savannah state. We don’t know about you but for us, The Governor is particularly inspiring. We’ve learned a lot about decking out our own spaces, whether in politics, business, career or whatever it is we do. Here’s what else we’re learning from The Governor. Dress the part The 42-year-old Governor has a signature style that’s all her own, one that features a pixie haircut, classic and figure-flattering dresses and yes, dark lipstick. Equal parts sweet and no-nonsense. It’s a look that says any woman can easily be the boss and still look effortlessly sassy, no matter her age. And it’s no surprise that we love it! Age like a pro! We’re a little, okay very, excited about the revelation that Angela is 42! She looks so fabulous. Yeah, we know there’s the popular argument that good genes are responsible. Still Motherland Moguls, you can be a busy smart woman and still look this good. The days of looking raggedy in the name of being ambitious are behind us. Armed with the right information and care, you too can age like a pro. Multitasking…our turf It will surprise you to know that highly successful women like the Governor of Savannah state, also run successful homes. Applying multitasking skills to your business or job actually works. Imagine that in addition to a hectic career or business, most African women still do school runs, cook, clean and get other life errands done. If that’s not superwoman-ish, I wonder what is! Politics actually looks good on women Any woman who can endure the brutalities of politics deserves our respect. If you’re unsure over your plans to join politics, Angela Ochello makes it look like it’s not such a big deal. Real life hasn’t yet determined if more women, especially of African descent can safely attain lofty political heights. Still, we think women should go for it. It’s possible, ladies! You can watch the series on Thursdays at 9pm WAT on EbonyLife TV (DSTV Channel 165).
Squad goals for the Motherland Mogul
So, it’s 2016 and us Motherland Moguls are too busy planning world domination to be bothered with perpetuating silly stereotypes of women tearing each other down. According to the Urban Dictionary, one can define squad goals as, “an inspirational term for what you’d like your group of friends to be or accomplish”. To be perfectly honest, this term is fire right now. But even fierier? The power women this article is about to lay down for you. They are killing it in their careers and looking bomb while at it. It’s definitely time to up your squad a notch or two. Who knows? You all could end up in the next edition of SLA’s squad goals. LaLa Anthony, Ciara, Kelly Rowland and Serena Williams This awesome foursome consists of incredible women who are leading successful lives and still finding the time to be each others cheerleaders. Key in a world champion tennis player, a superstar singer/one-third of Grammy-winning music group Destiny’s Child, a RnB songstress/dancer, and an actress/co-producer of the first all-black, all-female cast Broadway show. Talk about goalssss! Sometimes their schedules don’t permit them to all be present to mark important milestones but they support each other ferociously nevertheless! Just recently, Serena turned down the offer to be Ciara’s bridesmaid at her wedding to Russell Wilson as it coincided with the Wimbledon semi-finals. But, she was a part of the all-girls trip Ciara planned to Vegas before her big day. These are the kind of boss women the Motherland Mogul needs around her for motivation and inspiration; women who are killing it and who value their friendships immensely. This squad is so bomb, Queen Bey is like an honorary member. I think that says it all. I’ll stop right here. Arese Ugwu and Toke Makinwa Do these women really need an introduction? I think not. Just in case you’ve been under a rock this entire time and missed our article on inspirational websites, Arese is a personal finance guru and the founder of Smart Money Africa. Toke Makinwa is known as a vlogger, multimedia personality, and fashion icon. This dynamic duo has got mad love for one other and ruling their respective empires hasn’t dimmed it one bit. Muna Abii, Sarah Ofili, and Adaeze Yobo Former beauty queen and current rapper/entertainer, Muna Abii and designer/blogger Sarah Ofili serve us some serious goals. This sensational twosome work hard and slay even harder! This friendship definitely makes us green with envy! Whenever the third pal Adaeze Yobo is in town, the squad gets together to catch up and cheer each other on. Adaeze is also a former beauty queen and a Sickle Cell Awareness advocate. These women prove that there is beauty in unity and that powerful women don’t necessarily have to be at odds with each other. Squad goals for sure! ? Are you and your squad as fly as these ladies? Tell us in the comments!
How well are you balancing work and life?
Remember my article on being a career woman and balancing relationships with mum? Now, because all good things come in pairs, (pause for a dramatic effect while you reminisce over your favourite pair of things… mmm double scoop pistachio gelato), I figured that one more stab at this topic was exactly what was needed. Yes, we need to lengthen, then conclude the discussion – cue memories of Goldilocks. Let’s talk balancing work and life this time. Right, you now know how I stumbled my way into an acceptable balance of a career, dealing with family members and still kept my mom largely proud of me. But how about we talk about you? How well can you do all I’ve been able to do without going through my very unorthodox methods? Well, hold your horses, people, ‘cos it’s Christmas and I come bearing gifts! Priorities matter. When I first realized I was finally living a life that overwhelmed me, the first thing I did was to immediately decide what my life’s priority was. For me, it was my job; I could deal with everything else in life if my job situation was fine. So, I paid very close attention to how I felt about my job. I knew that if my feelings changed from liking it to being frustrated, it would have a run-on effect on every other aspect of my life. So, it’s really simple, you have to center your world around something. It helps you with a constant point of balance when things go wildly out of sorts, ‘cos, truth is, they will. You know, life is nothing if not an unending series of ridiculous events. Carry your life along with you When we think about priorities, we often think of them as zero-sum games. I never thought of mine as that. See, I unconsciously realized that there were lots of little ‘good’ choices involved in deciding one’s priorities. So, though work was my primary priority, I still dedicated time to being social with my aunts and participating in their lives. I still shared life experiences with my mom and the rest of my family. There are only so many times you can miss plans before people begin to wonder if you really care about them. This can really hurt if this sentiment comes from those you hold most precious. To avoid this, it’s important that you carry everyone along with you and your life. Now, this doesn’t mean talking shop at dinner but letting them in on your life would help them understand your situation. They’ll understand that you’d spend more time with them if you could. (Don’t take the piss, though. Nobody likes a piss taker) Don’t be afraid to admit that you’re overwhelmed You’ve carried your folks along and they understand, but now nothing is going according to plan. You don’t want to come off as complaining because they’d think you’re just bad at managing things and you don’t deserve nice things. Sounds familiar? Don’t worry, this is very normal. Don’t laugh but I apparently missed school when this was taught. I kept trying to put on a brave face for everyone. But once I began to falter, I realized that it was okay to sometimes, not have things go as planned. Sometimes, you plan to the minutest detail (seriously, you need to plan! There are not enough hours in the day) and somehow things still don’t work out. You miss your mom’s birthday, your friend’s graduation and that deadline at work. You may feel like a failure on all fronts, which is fine. But instead of getting overwhelmed, struggling, and crying on the kitchen floor in your work pants like I used to do, admit it to yourself. Talk to a trusted person (preferably, someone you know has more on their plate than you do). Tell them what you’re going through and ask for advice on how to deal with them. I called my mom pretty much every day to moan and cry on the phone. I listened to her make light of my ‘giant’ issues and that helped. And always remember to take meaningful breaks Now, this point is very rich, coming from me. I’m the reigning champion of team ‘No Leaves’. 5 years! No, really I need a GoFundMe account for this, it’s no longer a joke. Of course, because how else can I afford an all-expense paid walking vacation to south-east Asia? No debates on this. You need breaks. Lots of them. I may not have been able to go on my dream walking vacation but I try dedicating some time during the week for myself. My current set up makes Saturdays free for me. I clean my house on Wednesdays so I can take the trash out on Thursday morning. This means that by Saturday, I can wash my hair, exfoliate my skin, put a mask on my face, do my nails, watch terrible movies, call my friends, cook and go out. Most Saturdays, I do all of these and more but on some others, all I manage is a cup of coffee as I sit at my laptop working. I work in a start-up, and so these things happen. However, even when I’m unable to do personal stuff during the week, I try to have a day to check in on myself. Because at the end of the day, it’s called work-life balance, right? There’s more to you than just work, family, and friends. You definitely need to take care of you because if you don’t, no one else will. Now that you know what to do, create a balance Finally, I know how hard it is being a young career-driven woman in this economy. But in our pursuit of success, let’s remember that the whole point of life is enjoyment and beautiful memories. Now I leave you with these ever charming words my father once said to me – “Your colleagues will only observe a minute of silence”.
Your guide to dressing in the workplace
Dressing matters. Entering the corporate world as a young lady, I struggled finding out what it takes to get ahead. Apart from being good at what I do, I was clueless in terms of being presentable and my dressing. I couldn’t decide if I needed to be sexy and fashionable until it hit me. Did it matter how I looked? Of course, yes!! How you dress matters, it actually matters a lot. “A picture is worth a thousand words.” Dress up every day with the aim of creating a lasting first impression. In the corporate environment you meet different people every day and you never know who is studying you. The image you create greatly influences the way you are viewed in the office. With the primary goal being to “feel good” about the way I looked, I had to project a positive image. Feeling good about myself helped me naturally convey confidence and professionalism. It also gave me a positive attitude, which was all I needed to get ahead. Although there may be no set rules as to how one should dress, at times our choice is determined by our occupation or location. Your goal is to look the part, and for appearance to be consistent with the type of work you do. A college campus might be the perfect forum to show off the latest trends in fashion style, the office environment however, is not the place to do so. A conservative suit would be the recommended style for professional and managerial positions while overalls are for a construction job. I could go on and on about what to wear and what not to, avoiding too short skirts and wearing too much bling blah blah blah…we can all recite those off-head. To cut it all short here’s a few pointers to take note of from me; 1. Create your own brand Come up with an overall image you want to portray in the workplace. Then, go about buying and choosing the clothes that fit this image. Try mixing and matching casual, fun clothes with formal attire to add a personal flair to your style of clothing. Pair patterned or brightly-coloured tops to add a spark to a suit. You can also choose a patterned suit with a solid top. Just make sure what you choose to wear reflects a little of your personality. 2. Understand your body Know your body type and choose styles that show it off in a professional way. Wear clothing that is fitted and highlights your best physical features without being revealing or raunchy. To me, nothing is sexier than a woman who shows off her stuff while not showing bare skin. Dress to express who you are inside without baring your assets on the outside. Not only is wearing inappropriate clothing distracting, it can also give off an inaccurate impression. I’m curvy and gifted in all the right places, but trust me, I will never be caught in a short skimpy outfit. The office environment is not meant for that. Looking sexy is alright but do it in a classy-professional way. 3. Understand what’s appropriate in your industry Dressing culture varies from uniforms to suits and overalls depending on the line of business. Some businesses simply require employees to be more formal than others. In the fashion industry, models need to keep up with the latest trends however, corporate professionals are not taken seriously unless the show up in formal suits. Perceptions on dressing differ and office environments need to take into consideration both the clients and fellow industry professionals. You will have to understand and appreciate the perception your company dress code may have on all of these people. 4. Make sure your clothes ‘fit’ Appearance whether classy and confident or relaxed and trendy, is often reduced to how well clothes fits. If they are too big or too small, trust me they won’t look good on you. A proper fit applies to everything including clothing, the shoes, and the accessories. Baggy clothing will not highlight or enhance you in any way, instead it may make you look less professional or even heavier than you are. The same applies to smaller and tighter clothing. Makeup and hair can also negatively affect perceptions of women in the workplace, but that’s a tipping point for another day…
Verbal assault on Senator Oluremi Tinubu reminds us that Nigerian politics is not a safe space for women
“I will beat you on this floor, rape and impregnate you and nothing will happen”. It’s totally understandable if you need a break after reading that. We were shocked and shaken, and understand that others may be triggered. That these words were spoken by a Nigerian politician, in the chambers of the Senate, towards a fellow senator just makes things even more disturbing. This isn’t the first time Senator Dino Melaye has been embroiled in scandals, usually around him being horrible towards women. His first wife, Tokunbo Melaye reported that he had physically assaulted her and posted bloody photos online to back her words. Similarly his second marriage to Alero Melaye was marred by allegations of abuse and was short-lived. And it doesn’t end there, in a bizarre move earlier this year Melaye criticised Governor Adams Oshiomhole for marrying a Cape Verdean woman rather an a Nigerian one. The situation in the Senate It’s clear that Melaye is not the greatest fan of women. Knowing his penchant for unruly behaviour, we have to ask how he has maintained his influential position in politics. Given his background, perhaps it’s not surprising that he verbally assaulted and threatened Senator Oluremi Tinubu while she addressed the senate a few days ago. Here’s what senator Tinubu said; “I think [Melaye] needs to know that every senator here represents their constituencies. And that there is no need to threaten anyone. We are seeking and working towards reconciliation, yet you are busy issuing threats.” In the Senate, senators usually address their peers, this is standard and is usually accepted calmly. Yet Melaye grew so infuriated with senator Tinubu’s comments that he charged towards her and had to be held back by other senators. To us, it looks like he reacted this way because a woman called him out. Both senators belong to the same political party and work together in the same space yet it’s clear that Melaye has zero respect for his colleague. The lackluster media reaction While this story has been shared all over the media, a number of newspapers are calmly overlooking Melaye’s threat of rape thus reducing the sexualised nature of his threats. Not surprisingly, Melaye has denied his comments and has claimed that he was provoked. Then again, the news reports we’ve followed showed that the media are either showing Melaye’s excuses or senator Tinubu’s husband’s words of support. We would like to know senator Tinubu’s side of the story. We are frequently reminded that Nigerian politics is not a safe space for women. Even outside the halls of power, women politicians are often described as obnoxious or rude by the general public. Some people just aren’t comfortable with women in this field. Clearly, this needs to be remedied but Melaye’s outburst just shows that we still have a long way to go. Some may be quick to point out the uncouth nature of Nigerian politics when discussing this matter. But what stands out to us is this; no matter how accomplished a woman is, she will still have to deal with blatant sexual harassment. Also pertinent is how nothing concrete is being done to deal with it.
Role models for the woman who doesn’t want kids
It’s time for a brutally honest conversation. Some women don’t want kids. Being a parent is just one of the many roles that women can play. I particularly feel angry when women are pushed into or forced to be parents when they have no intention, inclination or desire to be mothers. Parenting, including having kids, should be a matter of choice. A child does not want or need a reluctant or frustrated parent. As women, we are human beings first with desires, ambitions, talents, skills and purpose. For those of us who choose nurturing as their primary goal be the best you can be, it’s a choice! Personally I preferred to have my children in my 20s as they are important in my life path. However, we should all respect that women have a different paths through which to contribute to society. Sometimes this does not include having kids. If you’ve felt alone by not feeling any maternal desires, this list of prominent childless women will remind you that you are not. Rosa Parks, Civil-Rights Activist Rosa Parks is famous for refusing to give up her bus seat to a white passenger in Jim Crow era US. Her defiance lead her to became a symbol for the Civil Rights and she later received national recognition for her work as an activist. Oprah Winfrey, Media proprietor and philanthropist Oprah is undoubtedly the Queen of media. She doesn’t need an introduction, we know that she is the richest African American of our time and possibly the greatest black philanthropist in history. Roselyn Naliaka Nambuye, Kenyan High Court Judge The Court of Appeal judge with over 30 years experience in law, Roselyn was the chair of the Kenya Women Judges Association. She created scholarship for destitute children and is also known participate in communal activities like funerals and harambees. Billie Holiday, Singer and songwriter The iconic singer of the blues, Billie Holiday never had children. She pioneered new forms of singing and is known for her voice which captured her audience’s attention completely. Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany, 2005-now The number 1 most powerful woman in world this year, according to Forbes, Angela Merkel is the first woman leader of the Christian Democratic Union party and the first woman Chancellor of Germany. Condoleezza Rice, US Secretary of State 2005-2009 Condoleezza Rice was the first woman to serve as National Security Advisor and the first African-American woman to be Secretary of State. Condoleezza is also a professor of political sciene affiliated with Stanford University. For those who just don’t want to have children now, remember that child bearing can be deferred until even your forties. This can allow you to pursue any other ambitions you may have during the “prime” of you life (that is between the ages of 25 to 35) .
The 5 types of friends every woman needs in her late 20s and early 30s
“True friends are like diamonds—bright, beautiful, valuable and always in style.” – Nicole Ritchie Coming of age and navigating the tumultuous waters of adulthood, I was a big fan of the TV show “Sex and the city” as my friends and I looked to the show for advice on how to model our lives in a way that was fashionable and fun. As I grew older, I realized that there was another important “f factor” I needed to be on the lookout for when choosing friends, fulfillment. There comes a point in every young woman’s life, for me it hit in my late 20s as the dreaded 3-0 loomed closer, where you realize that it is time to put aside childish thoughts and ways and begin to think seriously about laying a stable foundation for your 30s and working towards the manifestation of that. In the last decade I have lived in 5 cities in 3 different countries. I have been a student, a traveler, a freelancer and full-time employee. I have gained, and lost, more than my fair share of acquaintances, kindred spirits, fair-weather and lifelong friends. The more I think about the different periods of my life and the people who were present during those times, the more I realize the great, and lasting, impact these people have had on my life. The ones that stand out in my mind and the ones whose friendships I still cherish are the ones who were with me laughing, crying, cursing, loving, losing and believing with me all the way. When I first watched the hit web TV series “An African City”, beyond the glamorous lives of these returnees, what struck me was the strong bond of friendship that existed between these 5 women, individually and collectively. Perhaps, wrapped in each of An African City’s complex character are a few lessons we could all learn about the types of friends every modern African woman needs to successfully navigate her late 20s and early 30s. The Lifer/Memory Keeper “An African City” is told from the viewpoint of NanaYa, who returns to Ghana with her parents after spending most of her life in America. We learn about the other characters through NanaYa’s insightful observations and it is clear that she is the glue that holds the group together. Every girl needs friends who can tell you the who/what/where/why of most of your major life moments, possibly because she has lived through most of them with you. The Lifer friend is someone who has been there with you through thick and thin and is not going anywhere, ever. You may choose different paths in life and there may come a time when you will be separated by distance and other relationships and commitments, but this is the friend that would drop everything to be by your side if you ever needed her. She will be the godmother of your children and the adopted daughter of your parents, she will be the one sitting next to you on a porch 50 years from now reminiscing about life and all the joy, sorrow, triumphs and failures it brought you both. Cherish the Lifers and Memory Keepers you have in your life. The Hustler The Hustler is portrayed by Zainab who moved to Ghana to start her own natural hair product business. She pours all her time and energy into making her business successful. Even through the trying times, Zainab always manages to keep her head above the water and proves that she deserves every bit of the success she has achieved. Every girl needs that Hustler chick among her circle of friends who is killing it professionally. Not only will she inspire you to aspire to greater heights, she is a fountain continuously springing forth invaluable advice on the dos and don’ts of navigating the business world. Your Hustler friend will have contacts and resources that you can tap into and before you know it, you might become the Hustler in your group as well. The Uplifter The sheer amount of change you will experience in your late 20s and early 30s is enough to leave anyone dazed and confused wondering why up is down and down is up and just how in God’s name you are supposed to make sense of it all. When I was about 25, I remember feeling like someone had pulled the rug out from under me. I was expected to graduate with honors, find a great, well-paying job, move into a nice, furnished apartment. Add to that I was to work long hours and still be out on the town every weekend having a good time, then get married, have a few babies all the while remaining a successful career woman. If it wasn’t for the grace of God, family and uplifting friends I would have gone crazy a long time ago. In “An African City”, Ngozi is the Uplifter, that one friend that you can always count on for an encouraging word when times are rough, the friend who not only listens attentively but also supports all your hopes and dreams, even the crazy, impractical ones. The Uplifter’s favorite word is “yes”. Sometimes it seems like the world is screaming no to all your efforts and that you are constantly being met with closed doors. When you’re just about ready to throw in the towel, it is refreshing to have that one voice that always says “”Yes, I believe in you”, “Yes, you can do it.” The No BS’er Say what you will about Sade’s character but she is actually my favorite character. While she appears to have many vices, Sade is the one character in the group who is always willing to call a spade a spade. And I believe every girl needs friends who will always tell them the truth, even when it hurts. Often, to keep the peace, girls avoid telling each other the ugly or painful truth. In the worst case scenarios, rather than
Sitting still is the new move: On meditation
Almost everyone I know is either busy or tired. In this age of hyperconnectivity, we’re always “on.” In the race to stay on top of work, news, and friendships, it’s difficult to find time for self-care. By creating the space to embrace the present, meditation gives us the time to tune out the noise and listen to our inner voices I first learned the importance of meditation at my Quaker high school. Silence is a unique features of a Quaker worship service. Through silence, Quakers believe they can listen, reflect, and deepen their connection with God, their community, and themselves. For forty-five minutes once a week, teachers and students met in a sunlit room to sit in silence. In such a competitive, Type A environment, the fact that we came together weekly to affirm the time to reflect and to dream is extraordinary. Taking the time for mindfulness helped me listen to my inner self rather than follow the crowd. As a teenager trying to figure out life, that space was essential. But as a young woman in the digital age, I find the need for silent reflection even more essential. It was easy to meditate in high school when the time was carved out for me—it’s harder to accomplish now as an adult with a hectic schedule. But according to experts, meditation one of the best ways to focus and be present rather than in “react” mode. Ready to start meditating? Here are a few tips for incorporating it into your life: Start small Sit for just five minutes a few days a week, and gradually build upwards. Check in with yourself How do you feel—tired, anxious, energized? Focus on your state of being and you’ll learn more about yourself. Don’t worry about doing it right For some people, meditation is about clearing the mind or avoiding all thought. While that can happen during meditation, that’s not the point. It’s normal to have thoughts, and meditation can help you better focus the direction of your attention. Create a space When you’re meditating for short periods of time, your location might not matter as much, but as you increase your time spent meditating, you should be comfortable. What does your soothing environment look like? Do you need a pillow? Do you prefer sitting in the sunlight or an evening session with candles? Design a calming space that helps you clear your mind. Make it part of your daily routine Set a reminder to meditate each morning to help get your day off to the right start. Switch off your phone and find a quiet space. Can’t take the time before the morning commute? Try carving out a little bit of your lunch break or use meditation as a strategy to unwind before bed. Join a community There are Meditation Meetups in thousands of cities worldwide. If you can’t find a group that suits you, create one with family, friends or colleagues. Depending on where you are, you can look into your company benefits—many employers now provide meditation training to promote wellness and productivity. Try an app Some crowd favorites include Headspace, Buddhify, and Mind. Every morning, I take half an hour to meditate. The silence helps me cope with the deluge of information I receive everyday in my full-time job as a Communications Manager at a multi-stakeholder industry association and my night-owl assignments as a freelance writer and editor. In the words of Buddha, “All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think, we become.”
How to be career focused and not disappoint your mother
It started as a conversation with my friend. We were talking about topics we’d love to read about and I said I wished someone would write a manual on how to not disappoint your mom. Mothers…bless their souls, we love them but there’s something about knowing you’ve disappointed your mother that leaves an indelible mark on your consciousness. A mark you’ll continue trying to obliterate or make amends for -both exercises in futility really because how do you fix what you didn’t set out to ruin? See I’m 26 and I’m a single girl living and working in Lagos, far away from the comfort of my family. That on its own is enough to cause most parents to worry, my parents don’t live in Nigeria. Thus the responsibility of parenting me has been outsourced to a gaggle of well-intentioned, if incredibly parochial, aunts whose reports about my actions are the only things my parents have going for them right now. This unfortunately means that over the last year and a half since arriving in Nigeria, every other phone call to my mother has been an episode of ‘New Ways to Break a Mom’s Heart’. Often due to one aunt or the other complaining about something I’ve done to her. By all accounts, the aunties have valid cases against me. My job means that I work long days that often become longer nights; and on days when I simply can’t go home, I stay in hotels. When you factor in that according to Nigerian aunties, only a certain type of lady regularly patronizes hotels, you begin to understand why my innocuous actions are an affront to their quiet sensibilities. By focusing on work, I disappoint their expectations of proper Nigerian womanhood. I get it, I don’t agree with it but I get it. I used to obsess about my work-life balance and how I was not fulfilling some arbitrary Nigerian ideas I believed I had to satisfy. But now I step away from it all. It’s really just BS. I came across an article once that argued there shouldn’t be anything like work-life balance. The writer stated that this way of thinking doomed us into thinking it was a zero sum game. They instead chose to think of work and life as a delicate relationship that although might sometimes appear to be skewed, are in reality both being satisfied in different ways. This helped me understand that I do not disappoint, and neither do you. I’m still not sure how to balance my work with my life or perhaps more importantly how to ensure my mother doesn’t get disappointed with me (everyday). Yet if there’s one thing I know, it’s the inevitability of mistakes. Sometimes, your work will appear to take precedence for months on end and you won’t always do what’s right by mom. So, maybe don’t obsess over assumed failures? These days, when I get to steal time away from work to gossip with mom over phone about bosses or new opportunities, I can hear her pride. I feel how proud she is of my ability to make things work in my career despite not being the daughter she might have wanted me to be. That’s really all there is to it at the end of the day.